There are way too many goddamn cats in my ‘burb. Seriously, they’re everywhere. Just when I think I’ve seen them all, I spot a new one prowling around or shitting on my lawn. It’s like the felines of the world have chosen my neighbourhood to get together and plan their world domination.

This morning I saw two of the bastards fucking on my driveway. I was torn between weird fasination and the base desire to yell ‘HEY! QUIT FUCKING ON MY DRIVEWAY YOU FURRY BASTARDS!’

And speaking of fucking pussies, can we talk about Tom Brady for a second? Just about every bookmakers this side of Venus (even the ones in Quadrant 5), have the New England Patriots as their favourite to win the Superbowl. This single fact alone convinces me that, when it comes to football, bookies are all a bunch of bandwagon tossers who just don’t have a clue.

How can a team that missed the playoffs last year (yeah, yeah 11-5 whatever, a miss is still a miss you swine), be considered favourites to win the whole deal? Apparently Brady’s comeback is so bright and shiny that we’re supposed to miss the glaring holes in the defense. Are we seriously supposed to believe that Belicheck and the ‘almighty’ patriots won’t miss two time pro-bowler Rodney Harrison or  long time leader of the defense, Mike Vrabel? When I have this conversation with Patriot fans they like to point out that ‘Tedy Bruschi’s still there!’ Bruschi is fucking 36 years old and only managed 12 starts last year for crying out loud. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?

Have we forgotten that old saying “Offense wins games, defense wins championships” (a philosophy that was proved right only last year by the Pittsburgh Steelers)? Well guess what, Leigh Bodden and Shawn Springs were not the two cornerbacks they were thinking of when that little ditty was invented.

Alright, Tom Brady is back. That’s a big deal, I get it. But do we honestly expect him to be anywhere near as good as before? This is a 32 year old quarterback coming off a year out of football with a recovering knee. I mean, is it just me? Am I the only one in the universe thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might not be the second coming that Pat fans seem to think he will be this year?

Maybe this is all just brutal homerism, but aren’t you getting sick and tired of this mainstream adulation for a team that’s clearly in decline?

…

You know, this could have probably been quite a decent, well researched argument had I been able to stop ranting for a second there. Ah well…

Cricket doesn’t get much better then this. Because, you know, cricket sucks.

Except during the Ashes.

This years grudge match between the old enemies England and Australia has been full of twists and turns (many of them made by me, in search of the remote so I can CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL). First off we had Australia sending home their star bowler Brett Lee because he was spotted having a pint after dinner. No, you didn’t read that wrong, an Australian was sent home for having a drink. What the hell is going on with the world? You can’t blame the recession on that one; that’s just your stereotypical homemade stupidity.

Then, more unexpected then an orgasm in a restaurant, England actually started dominating and took the initial lead in the best of five series. In fact, had it not been for rain, England could well have sealed the ashes already. How Ironic. England fans usually pray for the draw inducing rain delay to avoid humiliation. I love it when God fucks with our heads.

In typical British style however and not wishing to disappoint, England managed to go all out for 102 in their first innings of the penultimate match and once again proved that they still have a chance of clutching defeat from the jaws of victory.

 So, with one game to play the score stands at one a piece. The final match will decide who takes home the beloved ashes. Well, not the ashes of course, they’re in a museum for boring fuckers somewhere. But I digress. With injuries (and hopeless incompetence) mounting up, England are in search of a saviour. And they think they may have found one in 39 year old former star and previous winner of ‘Strictly Come Dancing’, Mark Ramprakash. A man who retired from international cricket in 2002. Yeah…

Though in blistering form for his county, Ramprakash hasn’t been officially picked yet, but he will be. And depending on how the final match plays out, he will be hindsight’s deciding factor over whether England came out glorious victors, or once again failed in their usual disastrous, humiliating, fashion.

[BBC Sport]

[Guardian Ashes Blog]

I’ve always been of the opinion that squash was invented by a childish madman who was denied a decent concrete wall with which to hammer his soccer ball as a child.

The concept of two people being confined in a small, white-walled room, given rackets weapons and then being told to hammer a small, fast-moving rubber bullet at each other may sound like a sport created for the damned, but is actually the most enjoyable, energetic sport I have ever played by far.

The injury level is severe. Running full pelt into solid concrete is not, I am led to believe, something the human body was designed for. However, with four walls of the stuff around you it is not something that can completely be avoided. Nor is it as entirely unpleasurable as it sounds. Especially when the sickening smack of flesh hammering wall comes from your opponent… as you lightly touch a squeeze shot into the opposite corner for the score. The bastard.

At a base level, Squash is controlled insanity. But when it comes to Doubles Squash, you can remove the ‘controlled’ element.

With four people vying for space and waving their deceptively light, but painfully solid tools of war around, Doubles Squash is more like a mêlée then a sport. A players desire for an accurate, powerful shot is tinged with his reluctance to suffer any of the various injuries that come from receiving a racket to the face. Or crotch.

Doubles Squash is a game invented by the insane, for the insane. And it is the most fun activity I have ever engaged in.

The world of Doubles Squash is as erratic as the sport itself. The World Doubles Squash Championships has been held only three times, in 1997, 2004 and 2006. There is no set timetable for the event and it is not widely followed. The current world champions in the men’s, women’s and mixed fields are all Australians, which says a lot really. Australians have never been afraid to fly against usual sporting convention (see Aussie Rules) and a sport that is so dramatically badly designed seems perfect for a nation known to show no fear.

It is this randomness and eccentricity that makes Doubles Squash so uniquely intriguing to me and many other raving fruitcakes. I thoroughly recommend it.

[Squash Blog]

[Doubles Squash Wiki]    

All the best from around the blogdome…

Apparently, there’s some sort of big baseball thing happening between a team of ‘Yankees’ and some other dudes who only wear red socks. [The Big Lead]

This is by far the coolest picture you will see this week. [BabesLoveBaseball]

Looking for the full UFL T.V. schedule? What do you mean ‘no’? Are you telling me you have enough football in your life already? No ofcourse you don’t. Here it is. [AwfulAnnouncing]

LeBron James has broken his silence on all of that shit that happened that you probably forgot about a while ago but will read again anyway because he’s, you know, Le Bron! [Ball Don’t Lie]

Does Nascar need more road courses? Well it needs more something… [TheNascarInsiders]

Broncos fans have been booing Kyle Orton. Wait, the season hasn’t even started yet, atleast give him the chance to fail first… [gridironfanatics]

And finally…

The Ten Funniest Scenes From Sports Movies is here – Agree, Disagree? I do both… [NoGutsNoGlory]

Down The Bookies is an irregular feature here on STN. Every post is based on real events.

Lot’s of stories start with the line ‘There’s this guy…’ This one is no different.

There’s this guy who frequents my bookies. To say he is an enthusiastic individual would not be doing him justice. This guy has created a whole new brand of enthusiasm. I like to call it ‘Calm the fuck down you muppet enthusiasm’ or ‘CTFDYME’ for short. No I didn’t think the acronym through.

Before I got to know this guy I thought of him as an average joe; he came in, kept to himself, read the paper, placed his bet, watched the race and tossed his losing slip on the floor like everyone else. (God damn you fuckfaces, there are like, more bins then people in the shop, but you still insist on using the floor… you are all on ‘the list’ and I will hunt you down). Then one day, Mr New Enthusiasm Ultra has a winner…

And the whole place is in for a shock.

Towards the end of the race our protagonist begins emitting a guttural growl which grows steadily as the finish line draws near. 50 yards out and with his horse firmly in the lead, he begins howling like a climaxing llama:

“GET IN THERE YOU BEAUUUUUUUTY! YEAH BABY! BACKED IT ON THE NOSE! YEEEHAAA! GO ON! GET IN THERE!!!”

I could go on but I doubt it would do this guy justice. And besides, he hasn’t done yet… He jumps up onto the nearest chair and waves his winning ticket about at the other punters (who all amazingly seem to be oblivious to his presence)

“BACKED IT BABY! ON THE NOSE! GET IN THERE! YOUUUUUU BEAUTTTTTTY!”

Eventually said nutter goes to the counter to claim his winnings… cashier scans the ticket… looks slightly confused… hands over 80p…and Mr N.E.U. smiles broadly, raises his fist in the air in victory and exits the shop.

Turns out he had placed a 10p bet on a 7/1 shot. He’d actually achieved Nirvana over winnings of less than £1… And Sanchez despaired for the end of the human race.