I’ve always been of the opinion that squash was invented by a childish madman who was denied a decent concrete wall with which to hammer his soccer ball as a child.

The concept of two people being confined in a small, white-walled room, given rackets weapons and then being told to hammer a small, fast-moving rubber bullet at each other may sound like a sport created for the damned, but is actually the most enjoyable, energetic sport I have ever played by far.

The injury level is severe. Running full pelt into solid concrete is not, I am led to believe, something the human body was designed for. However, with four walls of the stuff around you it is not something that can completely be avoided. Nor is it as entirely unpleasurable as it sounds. Especially when the sickening smack of flesh hammering wall comes from your opponent… as you lightly touch a squeeze shot into the opposite corner for the score. The bastard.

At a base level, Squash is controlled insanity. But when it comes to Doubles Squash, you can remove the ‘controlled’ element.

With four people vying for space and waving their deceptively light, but painfully solid tools of war around, Doubles Squash is more like a mêlée then a sport. A players desire for an accurate, powerful shot is tinged with his reluctance to suffer any of the various injuries that come from receiving a racket to the face. Or crotch.

Doubles Squash is a game invented by the insane, for the insane. And it is the most fun activity I have ever engaged in.

The world of Doubles Squash is as erratic as the sport itself. The World Doubles Squash Championships has been held only three times, in 1997, 2004 and 2006. There is no set timetable for the event and it is not widely followed. The current world champions in the men’s, women’s and mixed fields are all Australians, which says a lot really. Australians have never been afraid to fly against usual sporting convention (see Aussie Rules) and a sport that is so dramatically badly designed seems perfect for a nation known to show no fear.

It is this randomness and eccentricity that makes Doubles Squash so uniquely intriguing to me and many other raving fruitcakes. I thoroughly recommend it.

[Squash Blog]

[Doubles Squash Wiki]    

All the best from around the blogdome…

Apparently, there’s some sort of big baseball thing happening between a team of ‘Yankees’ and some other dudes who only wear red socks. [The Big Lead]

This is by far the coolest picture you will see this week. [BabesLoveBaseball]

Looking for the full UFL T.V. schedule? What do you mean ‘no’? Are you telling me you have enough football in your life already? No ofcourse you don’t. Here it is. [AwfulAnnouncing]

LeBron James has broken his silence on all of that shit that happened that you probably forgot about a while ago but will read again anyway because he’s, you know, Le Bron! [Ball Don’t Lie]

Does Nascar need more road courses? Well it needs more something… [TheNascarInsiders]

Broncos fans have been booing Kyle Orton. Wait, the season hasn’t even started yet, atleast give him the chance to fail first… [gridironfanatics]

And finally…

The Ten Funniest Scenes From Sports Movies is here – Agree, Disagree? I do both… [NoGutsNoGlory]

Down The Bookies is an irregular feature here on STN. Every post is based on real events.

Lot’s of stories start with the line ‘There’s this guy…’ This one is no different.

There’s this guy who frequents my bookies. To say he is an enthusiastic individual would not be doing him justice. This guy has created a whole new brand of enthusiasm. I like to call it ‘Calm the fuck down you muppet enthusiasm’ or ‘CTFDYME’ for short. No I didn’t think the acronym through.

Before I got to know this guy I thought of him as an average joe; he came in, kept to himself, read the paper, placed his bet, watched the race and tossed his losing slip on the floor like everyone else. (God damn you fuckfaces, there are like, more bins then people in the shop, but you still insist on using the floor… you are all on ‘the list’ and I will hunt you down). Then one day, Mr New Enthusiasm Ultra has a winner…

And the whole place is in for a shock.

Towards the end of the race our protagonist begins emitting a guttural growl which grows steadily as the finish line draws near. 50 yards out and with his horse firmly in the lead, he begins howling like a climaxing llama:

“GET IN THERE YOU BEAUUUUUUUTY! YEAH BABY! BACKED IT ON THE NOSE! YEEEHAAA! GO ON! GET IN THERE!!!”

I could go on but I doubt it would do this guy justice. And besides, he hasn’t done yet… He jumps up onto the nearest chair and waves his winning ticket about at the other punters (who all amazingly seem to be oblivious to his presence)

“BACKED IT BABY! ON THE NOSE! GET IN THERE! YOUUUUUU BEAUTTTTTTY!”

Eventually said nutter goes to the counter to claim his winnings… cashier scans the ticket… looks slightly confused… hands over 80p…and Mr N.E.U. smiles broadly, raises his fist in the air in victory and exits the shop.

Turns out he had placed a 10p bet on a 7/1 shot. He’d actually achieved Nirvana over winnings of less than £1… And Sanchez despaired for the end of the human race. 

Why do they play cricket in England?

The third test in the Ashes series is due to get underway later today, but ‘torrential rain’ has threatened to delay proceedings.

Hmm… ‘proceedings’. What a weird word that is. I like how it sounds when it comes out of my mouth but at the same time it’s kind of posh and annoying isn’t it? ‘PROceeeeedings…’ Actually, now I come to think of it, fuck ‘proceedings’. What exactly is a ‘proceeding’ anyway?

In any case, whatever a proceeding is, a whole group of them could well be held up by rain today. Which, for the English, is annoying and pleasing both at the same time.

Currently, England are one up on the Aussies after a strong showing from their bowlers in the last test. With three to play it’s still up in the air. But such has been the dominance of the tourists over the last 20-odd years, that England still feel the threat of impending defeat. The Australians are nowhere near as good as they used to be and England have every chance to retake the Ashes, but with more rain meaning more draws, England fans will still be relieved to see playing time shortened.

However, if like me you’re an annoying, shit-eating, optimistic bastard, you won’t be doing any rain dances. Because unlike Argentina, England ARE good enough to win without the Hand of God. Unfortunately, should the final three tests become washed out draws, the Aussies will once again claim that England only won because of the weather.

But you know what my friends from down-under? That’s why they call it HOME FIELD FUCKING ADVANTAGE.

[BBCSport]

Good news for anyone out there who followed STN back in our er… ‘glory’ days. In short – we’re back.

But this time we’re here to stay! With two new hilarious bloggers on board (and a third on the way), STN will once again be bringing you all the unnecessary sports banter you can handle.

From this week STN will be updating regularly with the usual drivel you probably associate with that degenerate halfwit Sanchez, as well as regular contributions from fresh faced Redneck Ryu and the Sexy Track Girl. We’ll also be adding regular podcasts and a whole new feature called ‘Down The Bookies’, which will be based on real life experiences.

We hope you like the new format and will burn our feed accordingly. In the mean time, we’re still looking to add a baseball writer to the mix. If you think that could be you and you’re willing to write for absolutely nothing whatsoever, then give us a bell via the contact page.

Thanks as ever for your support of STN and we hope you enjoy the undoubted randomness that’s to come!