Down The Bookies is an irregular feature here on STN. Every post is based on real events.
Lot’s of stories start with the line ‘There’s this guy…’ This one is no different.
There’s this guy who frequents my bookies. To say he is an enthusiastic individual would not be doing him justice. This guy has created a whole new brand of enthusiasm. I like to call it ‘Calm the fuck down you muppet enthusiasm’ or ‘CTFDYME’ for short. No I didn’t think the acronym through.
Before I got to know this guy I thought of him as an average joe; he came in, kept to himself, read the paper, placed his bet, watched the race and tossed his losing slip on the floor like everyone else. (God damn you fuckfaces, there are like, more bins then people in the shop, but you still insist on using the floor… you are all on ‘the list’ and I will hunt you down). Then one day, Mr New Enthusiasm Ultra has a winner…
And the whole place is in for a shock.
Towards the end of the race our protagonist begins emitting a guttural growl which grows steadily as the finish line draws near. 50 yards out and with his horse firmly in the lead, he begins howling like a climaxing llama:
“GET IN THERE YOU BEAUUUUUUUTY! YEAH BABY! BACKED IT ON THE NOSE! YEEEHAAA! GO ON! GET IN THERE!!!”
I could go on but I doubt it would do this guy justice. And besides, he hasn’t done yet… He jumps up onto the nearest chair and waves his winning ticket about at the other punters (who all amazingly seem to be oblivious to his presence)
“BACKED IT BABY! ON THE NOSE! GET IN THERE! YOUUUUUU BEAUTTTTTTY!”
Eventually said nutter goes to the counter to claim his winnings… cashier scans the ticket… looks slightly confused… hands over 80p…and Mr N.E.U. smiles broadly, raises his fist in the air in victory and exits the shop.
Turns out he had placed a 10p bet on a 7/1 shot. He’d actually achieved Nirvana over winnings of less than £1… And Sanchez despaired for the end of the human race.